Tuesday, March 3, 2009


You gotta hand it to that tellie vision picture box. It'll make you laugh, cry or go downright looney. But that can't hold a candle to this here Internet thingy.

Right now I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Or just surrender to stupid. I jus read that in the Great State of Texas there are some outright boneheaded laws. Here are a few examples. I My put my two cents in bold just so's you won't miss out.

1. The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home. You can read how to make beer here. Now I reckon I'm an outlaw. So why stop there? Here you can get the entire Encyclopedia Britannica FREE for 30 days.

2. A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed. Oh jeez. I shoulda given notice on item #1 & 2. Now I done went and busted another law.

3. It is illegal to milk another person's cow. So, I drink a little glass most every night and I don't own a cow. I must be an an accomplice.

4. In Houston, it is illegal to sell Limburger cheese on Sunday. So, who the hell wants to be in Houston on Sunday or most any other day of the year? The same goes for eatin that smelly stuff.

5. In LeFors, it is illegal to take more than three swallows of beer while standing. Well, if anyone stuck to that law at the Bar None Bar & Bar-B-Q they'd be laughed outa the joint. Sides, what ya gonna to do if all the bar stools and chairs are filled up? Sit on the floor? I reckon that community must have deep pockets to go out and hire "sipper countin cops" to enforce this outright idjit law.

5. In Mesquite, The "hair is to be clean and well-groomed. Unusual coloring or excessive hairstyles that may include “tails,” “designs,” “puffs,” etc. are prohibited." Okay girls, you gotta hack off them pony "tails". By the way, what the hell are "puffs"? Sadly, I had no idea that the "ducktail" I sported back in high school would lead to this here crime spree. I reckon hair do's and don'ts oughta be heeded.

6. Abilene, Texas, for example, "It is illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate limits of the city for the purpose of flirting or mashing." Whoa! I can understand why a feller might flirt accidental like while waiting for a bus, or for the light to change, or maybe just to catch his breath. But mashing a woman, stranger or not, I draw the line there.

7. Texarkana, where "Owners of horses may not ride them at night without taillights." Now this here law is way past nuts. I mean, how the hell do you rig up lights on a horses tail?

8. In Dallas County it is illegal to own any realistic looking, phallic shaped, personal massager more than one foot in length. I ain't touching this one.

A final note: I'm waitin for the law to show up and haul me in to the hoosegow. I'm gonna need bail money so go ahead and send me some loot now cause I'll be lookin for a right smart lawyer to get me outa this here crime spree. If only I had warned the law afore I went and wrote this I mighta been within my rights.


Anonymous said...

To install horse tail light:

1. Sew button to saddle blanket

2. Button rope to saddle blanket

3. Tie rope to horse's tail

4. Take up slack until tail stands straight up

5. Paint flashlight lens red and insert in horse's ass

6. See further directions for installing turn signals and emergency flashers


knothead said...

If the Blue Law police haven't taken you yet, stop for a beer. You can stand, sit, or lay down. If they have got ya, never mind, I don't know ya.